Making It Happen

My family & I recently went on a three week holiday to Australia, with stop-offs in Singapore and Hong Kong. It was an ideal time to go: my daughter will be going to school in September so it's the last big holiday we can make during term-time; my son is almost two and so his airfare was cheap.

During our entire holiday, we had the same conversation with fellow passengers, hotel staff or locals that went as follows:

"Going to visit relevatives? No? Oh.....you're really brave, doing such a big trip with two little ones".

I was baffled by the number of people that held this view, so much so, that I began to ponder on the significance of their comments.

Over the years, I have noticed that I have a tendancy to sometimes enter into things without fully thinking throught the challenges that I will face. For example, I went off to live in Colombia for a year, with a Colombian family, without being able to speak a word of Spanish.

With this trip, I didn't really think about how hard it would / could be travelling for three weeks, five cities and six flights with two toddlers.

Why do I do this? To be honest,I think that the fundamental reason is that my husband and I really wanted to make this trip. We had a sense of drive that meant that we were incredibly focussed on making the most out of these three weeks.

Even if somebody had pointed out.....
- that we would have no time to ourself for three weeks;
- that we would not be able to eat healthily and at regular intervals;
- that there are hundreds of posionous insects and that we'd constantly have to keep an eye on our children;
- that the constant travelling is tiring;
....I don't think that would have stopped us.

And in the end, we had a fabulous trip. We saw so many amazing sights and we had lots of fun with our children and saw their world expand as they encountered each new experience.

What I learnt from this, is that when I really want something, it doesn't matter what the obstacles or challenges are, I can make it happen. There's a passion for the experience, a drive to seize the day that makes this obstacles part of the journey, as opposed to the end of the road.

At 6am in Hong Kong airport, I noticed a well-dressed couple in their 60s giving us a look of anxiety. As I suspected, they were on the same flight as us, and were concerned about the level of disruption our children might bring to the flight (when in fact, they were both generally well behaved, even on 13 hour flights).

The usual conversation cropped up. But this time when they told us how brave we were, I replied, "If you really want to do something......".

They nodded with sage understanding.

Is the 21st Century Middle-class Mum helping or hindering the next generation?

This week I was engaged in an interesting conversation with three successful 50-something women. Each woman is a mother to accomplished grown-up children, and they all have friends who have equally accomplished children. Their children are currently on a journey to become qualified as doctors or lawyers having achieved academic, music and / or sporting success whilst at school.

I listened to stories of children who had belonged to the National Youth Theatre, or played three instruments and had achieved Grade 8 by the time they were in their early teens. Each mother had ensured that their children were given the opportunity to excel through extra-curricular activities. As successful women themselves, they could be considered as role models to their children – a fact that should be celebrated.

During our conversation, I reflected about a friend whose 8 year old boy now was engaged in four after-school activities. Each one developed some kind of social or sporting skill (eg Scouts, swimming) and she wholly supported her son’s involvement in these activities. But she had recently realised that she had become one of those mums who was constantly ferrying her son about. He was hardly at home to just “play” with his sister or his friends. And she was acutely aware that her younger daughter will soon want (and expect) the same. She pondered with me about how this had happened?

Whilst we want the best for our children, are we in fact pressuring them to achieve too much at such a young age? The women I spent time with this week were concerned that their children might have their mid-life crisis in their mid-20s. As young adults who had experienced such levels of achievement already in their lives, there is a possibility that as they enter the world of work they might experience disappointment or dissatisfaction with life. Or will these 20-somethings have a sense of confidence, drive and a core belief that they know that they can achieve that will enable them to become leaders of society that will make us all proud?

I think that only hindsight will give us this answer. For now, I will continue to give my children the best opportunities with a measure of balance.

Teaching our children how to behave

As I drove home from work today, I was listening to the radio. Today, the news leads with the story about two brothers who tortured two young boys in Edlington in South Yorkshire. Details have emerged of the brother's upbringing, that they suffered domestic abuse from a violent father and other contributory factors that led them to believe that they could behave in such an awful way to another person.

I feel strongly about the importance of teaching my children the difference between right and wrong, and the key principle that it is important to behave nicely towards others. This evening, as my daughter was having her bath, I seized the opportunity to discuss this important life lesson with her.

I asked her "What is the most important thing to remember when you're with another person?" The response, "To be nice to each other". Whilst this is incredibly simplistic, at the age of 4, I'm pleased that my daughter knew the right answer to my question.

I then went on to tell her that I had a difficult day: somebody at work had been "mean" to me. We discussed how this had made me sad, and angry.

My daughter asked, "What did you do?"

I replied, "I told someone very important". I didn't think that I could explain the concept of client-contractor relationship to my four year old.

She asked, "Did you tell a teacher?" I replied, "Yes".

My daughter then enquired, "Did you tell this person that they have been mean to you?"

I explained, "Not today, but I will. I'm trying to find the right words". In otherwords, I was trying to find a way to express myself appropriately, professionally.

And as my daughter hugged me, she said "It's important that you tell them that they have been mean to you."

This was a watershed moment: For the first time, I have shared a work-issue with my daughter. She responded by showing understanding for the issue and giving me support (as much as can be expected from a four year old). The conversation echoed many of those that we have had before but when the issue was about other kids that have mean to her.

So, I feel not only comforted by our conversation on a personal level, but reassured that my daughter is developing a strong moral compass. I will continue to keep teaching how to behave, and I hope that we, as a society, find a way to ensure that all children are brought up learning this lesson.

How can I fight commercialism?

Recently, my daughter turned four. On the eve of her birthday I was wrapping her presents. She had chosen the majority of them, but we had also bought a few extra that we thought she'd enjoy (and also of educational value!). As I wrapped them, I reflected on the fact that all the presents my daughter had chosen were from known brands - Ben 10, High School Musical, Toy Story etc. Whilst I approved of all the toys we had bought, I began to wonder: Has my soon-to-be four year old been exposed so much to commercialism that it's already demonstrating its influence over her choices at such a young age? Am I a bad mum for allowing this to happen?

I took a step back and began to think more about her choice of presents.

One of the biggest presents was her High School Musical Outfit (including the pom-poms). Those who are my friend on facebook know that I'm a fan of HSM - we regularly play the CD at home. The outfit idea had come from one of her friends at nursery,who had worn her HSM outfit (including the pom-poms) one day. Although my daughter said nothing at the time, she obviously coverted the red sparkly leotard. Dress up and role-play is an important part of her development. Currently, she will only wear her reindeer and fairy outfits - so I welcomed her request for another dressing-up outfit as this will broader her creative play.

As I looked at her toys, I began to notice that the common theme here that my daughter is influenced by her peers (that explains the Ben 10 watch). How can I fight commercialism where the marketing is so integral to society it infiltrates our nurseries?

And then I caught sight of the Beyonce CD. Where did this inspiration come from? I have a degree in Music and I love listening to all types of music. We regularly play CDs during mealtimes, and currently it ranges from Abba, to Ray Charles to Tchaikovsky's Ballet Suites. But Beyonce doesn't really have a place in our music collection.

Then I remembered: earlier this year, I took my daughter to a "proper" hairdressers for the first time. I was worried about how she would react, so I "bigged" it up, and she was very excited about being treated like a princess. As we waited for our appointment, Beyonce's "Single Ladies" played on the video. Admittedly it's a great video (it did win the MTV Music Video of the Year award) and my daughter sat captivated. Subsequently, she now recognises most of Beyonce's songs. She asked me to play Beyonce one mealtime, and I explained that I couldn't as we didn't own any of her songs. That's when she asked me to buy her the CD for her birthday. How could I refuse?

I could go on....but the bottom line is that she loves all the toys that she asked for and has played with them endlessly since her birthday.

So, in essence, I don't think I'm a bad mum. I'm now more aware that my daughter is influenced by everything and everyone around her, and I can't control that. My role is ensuring that she maintains a balanced approach to life and is aware of incredible influence that marketing / commercialism has on our lives. Wish me luck!