Making It Happen

My family & I recently went on a three week holiday to Australia, with stop-offs in Singapore and Hong Kong. It was an ideal time to go: my daughter will be going to school in September so it's the last big holiday we can make during term-time; my son is almost two and so his airfare was cheap.

During our entire holiday, we had the same conversation with fellow passengers, hotel staff or locals that went as follows:

"Going to visit relevatives? No? Oh.....you're really brave, doing such a big trip with two little ones".

I was baffled by the number of people that held this view, so much so, that I began to ponder on the significance of their comments.

Over the years, I have noticed that I have a tendancy to sometimes enter into things without fully thinking throught the challenges that I will face. For example, I went off to live in Colombia for a year, with a Colombian family, without being able to speak a word of Spanish.

With this trip, I didn't really think about how hard it would / could be travelling for three weeks, five cities and six flights with two toddlers.

Why do I do this? To be honest,I think that the fundamental reason is that my husband and I really wanted to make this trip. We had a sense of drive that meant that we were incredibly focussed on making the most out of these three weeks.

Even if somebody had pointed out.....
- that we would have no time to ourself for three weeks;
- that we would not be able to eat healthily and at regular intervals;
- that there are hundreds of posionous insects and that we'd constantly have to keep an eye on our children;
- that the constant travelling is tiring;
....I don't think that would have stopped us.

And in the end, we had a fabulous trip. We saw so many amazing sights and we had lots of fun with our children and saw their world expand as they encountered each new experience.

What I learnt from this, is that when I really want something, it doesn't matter what the obstacles or challenges are, I can make it happen. There's a passion for the experience, a drive to seize the day that makes this obstacles part of the journey, as opposed to the end of the road.

At 6am in Hong Kong airport, I noticed a well-dressed couple in their 60s giving us a look of anxiety. As I suspected, they were on the same flight as us, and were concerned about the level of disruption our children might bring to the flight (when in fact, they were both generally well behaved, even on 13 hour flights).

The usual conversation cropped up. But this time when they told us how brave we were, I replied, "If you really want to do something......".

They nodded with sage understanding.

Achieving Fulfilment from the Present

Until a couple of years ago, I had a long-term life goal. I have written about this before, but just to recap:

I entered the workplace in 1997. I had a 10 year career goal: it defined key stages, with the ultimate goal being the appointment to the role of Director of Human Resources. I am pleased to report that I did achieve this goal, but was quickly dissolutioned. Partly, although my strategy was on track, I don't think I really believed that I would achieve my goal. And once I did, I thought - if I knew what I knew now, I perhaps wouldn't have been so ambitious and taken more time out along the way.

Another long-term goal I want to share with you was one that I had whilst I was at school. At 11, I decided that I wanted to be house-captain: an appointment that is made upon entering the final year at age 17. I planned my strategy: I was involved in all house activities that enabled me to be appointed to the house committee at 16 (there were only 4 of us on the committee), and only those on the committee were eligible to be appointed house captain a year later. I worked hard that year, and I deserved the appointment. However, although the appointments were supposedly made in a beaurocratic manner, the "leaders" at the school didn't like the outcome of selection process for Head Girl. As a consolation prize, she was appointed House Captain and I was robbed. I cried for 24 hours. And I learnt a harsh lesson.

I think that these two life experiences have influenced my current thinking. I observed a few months ago that I didn't have any long term goals, and that, in fact, I was OK about this. However, I've subsequently realised, I do have goals, it's just that they're more centred in the present:

1. To provide a stable economic and emotional home.
2. To be a role model for my children
3. To be in a position whereby I can retire comfortably (in another 25 years) and be able to own a second home

Everything I do is now based around these "guiding principles" as I prefer to call them. For example, I am a govenor at my children's preschool. This not only provides me with professional development, but I regularly have to speak publically at events. This role is important to me, as I demonstrate confidence and community involvement to my daughter.

So, I think that I've learnt that instead of always aiming for long-term goals, I'm seeking more fulfillment in my day-to-day activities. Instead of always wanting more, I'm satisfied with what I currently have. And as a result, I am a happier mother, wife and coach.

Having "Grit" vs Being Tenacious

This week I've been spending some time thinking about "Grit". I'm not talking about the state of our roads and the snow that has challenged our daily lives over the last month, but our ability to see things through to completion.

I first started to think about "Grit" after reading this month's Thinking Woman's Coach Newsletter. It lead me on journey to help me understand how I'm feeling at the moment

For the last few weeks, it's been impossible to avoid all the inspirational and motivational blogs, articles, emails on setting objectives and goals for the New Year. (And yes, I did post a similar article myself on Minerva's Mind just before the New Year.) These articles are all very upbeat, bright and sparkly. This is exactly the opposite of how I feel.

For me, the New Year starts in March. For the next month I have a mountain of work to get through (all carried over from before Christmas) before I head off for three weeks in Australia. I return from my big trip at the start of March: this is when I'll be able to start thinking ahead about what I want to achieve for the year. The vast amount of work ahead over the next three weeks is overwhelming and I'm under a lot of pressure (mostly self-inflicted).

What is keeping me going - is it my "Grit"? When I took Martin Seligman's "Grit" survey (http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu), I discovered that I have only average levels of "Grit". At first I was disappointed, but then I considered the issue further:

I consider myself to be tenacious: tenacity can be another word for "Grit". I love the word and frequently use it in job specifications. Tenacity is a postive behvioural trait. But can too much tenacity become what others consider to be obstructive behaviour? Does a high score on the "Grit" survey represent a negative behavioural trait?

There are some things worth fighting for - seeing certain goals, dreams or projects to the bitter end. But for others, I make a judgement call as to whether it's worth the time and energy. If I do persevere, will the end product justify the means? I think half the time it probably doesn't, which is why I abandon projects or choose a different route.

I also believe that extrinsic forces compel me to see things through to their completion. Being self-employed, it's not good for business if I leave a client half-way through a project. In these instances, I apply all the postive thinking / coaching techniques that we post on our Minerva's Mind pages to help me.

In essence, one the core elements of Minerva's Mind is providing our "fans" the tools to use when they need to deploy a bit of "Grit". Or alternatively, Minerva's Mind is about enabling our "fans" to develop their ability to be tenacious which in turn will allow them to seek fulfilment in their everday lives.

So on reflection, it's my tenancity that is keeping me going through the month of January. And for the record, I've decided that I'm pleased with my average "Grit" score.

How to make a successful New Year's Resolution

It's that time of year when we start to think about making New Year's Resolutions. I can almost hear you groan...."What's the point? New Year's Resolutions are almost always broken before we reach the end of January." But before we start, I just want to say that for the last five years, I have successfully kept my New Year's Resolutions. I'll share the secret of my success with you shortly.

Most of the articles you read about New Year's Resolutions encourage the reader to make their resolutions as robust as a "SMART" objective. These articles encourage you to have a date by when you'll have achieved your goal, be clear in what you want to achieve etc. For example, the Efficiency Coach recently wrote the following:

"Did you know that only about 3% of adults have clear, written goals?

These people accomplish five to ten times as much as people of equal ability and standing, but who, have never taken the time to write out exactly what they want to achieve.... "

So, we're all encouraged to write SMART resolutions, but most of us, apparently, seem unable to do so.

And then, most articles fail to discuss or give us advice on how to overcome barriers and challenges. There's nothing more depressing that failing to keep your New Year's Resolution within the first few weeks of the New Year. As soon as you break it, or have a minor blip, your confidence drops; you doubt your ability to sustain the energy required to make your resolution successful. And so, most people give up.

Not me: I break all the rules when making my New Year's Resolutions. My resolution for the last five years have been "To become a better cook". There's nothing specific about this resolution: cooking requires a massive range of skills from baking, to slow cooking. This resolution does not define or restrict me in any way. I don't have to work at it every day - or even every week. Some weeks when work is really busy, I don't have time to indulge myself in my hobby. There's no timescale: so as long as I judge myself to be a better cook than 364 days ago, then my resolution has been successful.

So my advice is as follows:
1. Do something that will involve gradual improvement over the year.
2. Keep it vague.
3. Don't commit yourself in terms of time.

In case you're interested, I've decided to have a different New Year's Resolution this year: To consider living abroad.

Let me know what New Year's Resolutions you've made this year.