Do your colleagues make you stressed?

Recently I've been reflecting on the different experiences I have had over the years when meeting deadlines. I'm a highly organised person and it isn't hard to meet deadlines when it's just me working on a project. But this isn't the case when working as part of a team. The levels of stress I experience vary from project to project. I wanted to explore the reasons behind this, so as to avoid any unnecessary stress in the future.

I've reaslied that by the nature of my work with various clients and business partners, I work in a number of teams. I'm dependant on my team mates to meet deadlines. My relationship with each member of the team is important in ensuring that we achieve our goal.

In my mind, I compared two recent events with two different teams: in both instances we had to meet a tough deadline:

Team 1: At the 11th hour, when things were really going wrong, and costs were spiralling, there was an underlying feeling of mistrust and blame. I felt that I had to take a defensive stand to demonstrate that the mistakes that we were uncovering were not the result of my (in)actions. I felt paralysed by the negative emotions and the level of stress I was experiencing as I tried to work collaboratively with my colleagues to find a way through the barriers in order to complete the project in time.

Team 2: The attention to detail that characterised the key players in this team meant that at the 11th hour, a technical problem was highlighted. However, because the team players mutually supported each other and had a high level of trust, we were able to calmly work through the options, make the relevant adjustments and still delivered the project within the required timeframe. And without any stress, just heightened sense of motivation.

The bottom line is that my own personal stress levels correspond to the professionalism and maturity of those that I'm working with. In a team where there's high functionality, my stress levels are low and I'm driven to complete the task. Where's there's poor team working, I find myself getting extremely stressed to the point where I am unable to function (not nice).

I'm sure that I'm not the only person who works in teams and has experienced something similar. However, despite coming to these conclusions, I don't the answer to the following question:


"As an HR Consultant who works on a range of portfolio contracts, I work with teams for only a few months at a time. Therefore, I rarely work with the same people for very long. What do I need to do to ensure that when it comes to the 11th hour I'm working in a highly functioning team?"

All answers on a postcard gratefully received.

The Power of the Purple Orchid

Upon returning from holiday recently, I started to prepare for a one hour slot at Mums The Boss' International Women's Day Conference: I had been asked to speak on behalf of Minerva's Mind about "Boosting Your Inner Confidence".

Although Kate & I have delivered workshops on this topic before, I felt that I should try a different approach with this particular audience. As the week progressed, I allowed my creativity to take over; by Sunday night I was trying to work out how many different techniques I could meaningfully explore in my allotted time.

The session went well. It's a vibrant, positive group and the room filled with energy as they immersed themselves in the interactive elements of my session. (In part, I believe this is because Helen and Sam, who are Mums the Boss (MTB) have fostered a lovely, supportive environment that is now integral to the MTBoss Brand.) I left the event, feeling full of energy and alive with ideas.

As a thank you gift, the MTB team gave me a beautiful purple orchid. I've always wanted an orchid and it now sits proudly in my kitchen. Whenever I take a break during the day from my work, I go downstairs to make a cup of coffee. I see my beautiful purple orchid and it reminds me of the positive emotions that I felt on International Womens Day. This gives me the boost I require to go back to work, envigorated and often with a surge of creative inspiration.

What I'm experiencing with my Purple Orchid is what NLP practitioners would call "anchoring". I'm sorry if I upset anybody when I say this, but I'm not a fan of NLP, and don't really believe that "achoring" works. With NLP, individuals are asked to recall a past event or moment and use that as their "anchor". In the past, this technique has not worked for me. Partly as I forget what I've chosen as my "anchor" or the emotions that I recall for my "anchor" are not strong enough to have an impact. But not this time. For me, the "anchoring" occured at the point that I recieved the gift and I have consciously fostered the postive emotions attached to it. My purple orchid is powerful.

We're all different and "anchoring" may work for you, or it may not. From my perspective, my purple orchid brings so much positive engery into my life and I would like to thanks the MTB team again for giving me such a wonderful flower.

Happy Mother's Day

Today, in the UK, we are celebrating Mother's Day, and we celebrated International Women's Day earlier in the week. Perhaps it is apt that this week I was recommended a book called "The Female Brain". I was so compelled by the recommendation that I subsequently bought the book; I have been unable to put it down and I have almost finished it three days later (not easy with two small children).

Why is the book so good? It details the chemical reactions in a woman's brain from the age of an eight week foetus through to post-menopause. In essence, it's a high-brow "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". But through case studies and explanation of women's behaviour, the book is both funny and credible. It has really reasonated with me.

So, what has this to do with Mother's Day? Well today, when my OH woke up this morning, he decided that he wanted to clear the loft. To cut a long story short, we cleared our bedroom Wednesday night, as our wardrobes were being fitted Thursday. By the end of the day on Friday, they were only a third completed, with no completion date in sight. I was mightly impressed when my OH took the view that "This is an opportunity"; I am always happy to share my optomistic approach to life where my glass is always more than half full.

My OH made clear his expectations from the start: we were going to "rationalise" what we stored up in the loft. In reality, the majority of stuff that I store up there are the kids toys that are "on rotation" or old kiddies clothes that I just haven't got around to sorting out and putting on e-bay yet. And then there's loads of other stuff that's been up in the loft forever. Naturally, I didn't want to get rid of my of bits, and we both knew that we would be having a heated discussion over said items.

But an interesting thing happened. We made an initial sift of what was going to be thrown away. We calmly debated our difference of opinions on certain items. And that's when the watershed moment happened: I agreed that if the OH wanted to throw out this particular suitcase that I was attached to, then he would have to sacrifice the vanity mirror that he had bought for me and I had never used. After having made this deal, I felt librated. Suddenly I was able to let go of items that I had been holding onto for years, without fuss, regret or tears.

Now, before I had read "The Female Brain", I think I would have thought that the fact that I was still suffering from a cold was the reason for this act of insanity. However, I now realise that by making this deal, my brain had a chemical reaction: prior to making the deal, my brain was flooded with the chemicals that make mothers anxious, nuturing and protective (part of our flight / fight response). It was these set of chemicals that made me want to keep everything that I had squirreled away. But post decision, I believe I was filled with testosterone which meant that I could be brave and reckless. We were able to substantially reduced amount of items that we store in the loft. Overall, a job well done for Mother's Day.

So that was my Mother's Day. How was yours?

Making It Happen

My family & I recently went on a three week holiday to Australia, with stop-offs in Singapore and Hong Kong. It was an ideal time to go: my daughter will be going to school in September so it's the last big holiday we can make during term-time; my son is almost two and so his airfare was cheap.

During our entire holiday, we had the same conversation with fellow passengers, hotel staff or locals that went as follows:

"Going to visit relevatives? No? Oh.....you're really brave, doing such a big trip with two little ones".

I was baffled by the number of people that held this view, so much so, that I began to ponder on the significance of their comments.

Over the years, I have noticed that I have a tendancy to sometimes enter into things without fully thinking throught the challenges that I will face. For example, I went off to live in Colombia for a year, with a Colombian family, without being able to speak a word of Spanish.

With this trip, I didn't really think about how hard it would / could be travelling for three weeks, five cities and six flights with two toddlers.

Why do I do this? To be honest,I think that the fundamental reason is that my husband and I really wanted to make this trip. We had a sense of drive that meant that we were incredibly focussed on making the most out of these three weeks.

Even if somebody had pointed out.....
- that we would have no time to ourself for three weeks;
- that we would not be able to eat healthily and at regular intervals;
- that there are hundreds of posionous insects and that we'd constantly have to keep an eye on our children;
- that the constant travelling is tiring;
....I don't think that would have stopped us.

And in the end, we had a fabulous trip. We saw so many amazing sights and we had lots of fun with our children and saw their world expand as they encountered each new experience.

What I learnt from this, is that when I really want something, it doesn't matter what the obstacles or challenges are, I can make it happen. There's a passion for the experience, a drive to seize the day that makes this obstacles part of the journey, as opposed to the end of the road.

At 6am in Hong Kong airport, I noticed a well-dressed couple in their 60s giving us a look of anxiety. As I suspected, they were on the same flight as us, and were concerned about the level of disruption our children might bring to the flight (when in fact, they were both generally well behaved, even on 13 hour flights).

The usual conversation cropped up. But this time when they told us how brave we were, I replied, "If you really want to do something......".

They nodded with sage understanding.

A life without drama?

A coaching client presented an intesting dilema when she came to see me this week. She wanted to work through some strategies that would enable her not to bring home the emotion turmoil that she experienced at work.

She described her day: As a fairly large cog in the wheel of her organisation, she found her job mostly routine. However, every so often there would be an emergency that demanded immediate action. She would devote this issue her undivided attention at the exclusion of everything else (including her personal / home responsibilities). On nearly every occasion, she would rise to the challenge and deliver on time to a high standard.

The problem was, she could never anticipate when these emergencies would occur. Sometimes, she would go a whole week without; at other times, she would have two or three in the same week; during a particularly difficult patch, she experienced four emergencies on the same day.

We established that her performance did not suffer when she was required to respond to these issues. It was her emotional response that my client was concerned about. During emergencies she would feel that addrenalin rush, a sense of excitement mixed with anxiety. Afterwards, she would feel superior. This last emotion was linked to the fact that she has a colleague who is constantly seeking to undermine her.

During the quieter periods, my client initial feels relief and calm. But then she starts to feel increasingly uneasy, as she waiting for the next emergency to land on her desk. She constantly thinks about might be coming around the corner, and hoping that it won't "catch her out". Again, it was clear that the undermining colleague's actions were having an impact on my client.

In essence, my client was describing an emotional rollercoaster. And it wasn't a surprise that this was having an effect on her personal life.

We discussed how great it was when she was at the peak of the experience: an exhilarating happiness. But this state did not last, and the feeling of anxiety would take over. We went to discuss what it meant to feel an enduring sense of contentment (as opposed to alternating highs and lows): Those who experience the extreme happiness are also more likely to feel the depths of despair and unhappiness. Those who are generally content are able to celebrate their successes and cry when they have reasons to; they express their emotions within a moderate range that leads to demonstrates good mental health. My client felt that a strategy that would lead her to achieve contentment was worth defining.

We identified that the two key reasons for her current emotional state: the unpredictabiity of her work; and her colleague who undermines her. My client believed that she could achieve emotional stability by removing one of these factors and we worked through this in our session.

As my client was heading out the door, she turned to me and said: "Although I believe that working towards being emotional contentment will make me a better mother & wife; I just can't imagine a life without drama....." An intestesting observation, and one that we'll tackle in our next session. But how many people are willing to give up the drama in their lives? Could you?

Is the 21st Century Middle-class Mum helping or hindering the next generation?

This week I was engaged in an interesting conversation with three successful 50-something women. Each woman is a mother to accomplished grown-up children, and they all have friends who have equally accomplished children. Their children are currently on a journey to become qualified as doctors or lawyers having achieved academic, music and / or sporting success whilst at school.

I listened to stories of children who had belonged to the National Youth Theatre, or played three instruments and had achieved Grade 8 by the time they were in their early teens. Each mother had ensured that their children were given the opportunity to excel through extra-curricular activities. As successful women themselves, they could be considered as role models to their children – a fact that should be celebrated.

During our conversation, I reflected about a friend whose 8 year old boy now was engaged in four after-school activities. Each one developed some kind of social or sporting skill (eg Scouts, swimming) and she wholly supported her son’s involvement in these activities. But she had recently realised that she had become one of those mums who was constantly ferrying her son about. He was hardly at home to just “play” with his sister or his friends. And she was acutely aware that her younger daughter will soon want (and expect) the same. She pondered with me about how this had happened?

Whilst we want the best for our children, are we in fact pressuring them to achieve too much at such a young age? The women I spent time with this week were concerned that their children might have their mid-life crisis in their mid-20s. As young adults who had experienced such levels of achievement already in their lives, there is a possibility that as they enter the world of work they might experience disappointment or dissatisfaction with life. Or will these 20-somethings have a sense of confidence, drive and a core belief that they know that they can achieve that will enable them to become leaders of society that will make us all proud?

I think that only hindsight will give us this answer. For now, I will continue to give my children the best opportunities with a measure of balance.

Pushing the Boundaries of Competence

We all like to be in our "comfort zone". The place where everything is safe and we confident in what we say and do. However, it is well recognised that for a person to grow, they need to be in their "learning zone". This is the place where an individual is undertaking activities that are just beyond the "comfort zone".

But how large is our individual "learning zone". Do we know when we've crossed over the boundary into the zone of incompetence?

I reflected on this recently as I completed a small project for a client. I have undertaken a range of assignments with this client, mostly using the same set of skills and knowledge. However, they asked me some months ago to undertake a specific project where I had limited knowledge. I declared this lack of knowledge from the start, but they felt that I had the appropriate skills and abilities.

There were times during the project when I was aware that I was being stretched. I was aware of what I didn't know. As a result, I used my judgement and called upon the experts when I needed help. The project was completed timely and the client was pleased with my delivery.

However, I have observed many managers and employees who have been required to work well beyond their learning zone without expert support or advice. Over a period of time, this sustained requirement to work beyond their abilities has lead to incompetence. The reasons behind this might have been either due to poor recruitment, or poor development as roles have significant changed. But the impact on the individual can be destructive both on a personal and professional level.

Having the insight to realise which zone you are currently in (the comfort, learning or beyond) is important. This allows you to make the right decisions about how you manage your work and relationships. It will either push you to raise your game, or to seek alternatives options that will prove more beneficial to you and your organisation in the long-term. Make a conscious decision about how you want to manage your learning.

Teaching our children how to behave

As I drove home from work today, I was listening to the radio. Today, the news leads with the story about two brothers who tortured two young boys in Edlington in South Yorkshire. Details have emerged of the brother's upbringing, that they suffered domestic abuse from a violent father and other contributory factors that led them to believe that they could behave in such an awful way to another person.

I feel strongly about the importance of teaching my children the difference between right and wrong, and the key principle that it is important to behave nicely towards others. This evening, as my daughter was having her bath, I seized the opportunity to discuss this important life lesson with her.

I asked her "What is the most important thing to remember when you're with another person?" The response, "To be nice to each other". Whilst this is incredibly simplistic, at the age of 4, I'm pleased that my daughter knew the right answer to my question.

I then went on to tell her that I had a difficult day: somebody at work had been "mean" to me. We discussed how this had made me sad, and angry.

My daughter asked, "What did you do?"

I replied, "I told someone very important". I didn't think that I could explain the concept of client-contractor relationship to my four year old.

She asked, "Did you tell a teacher?" I replied, "Yes".

My daughter then enquired, "Did you tell this person that they have been mean to you?"

I explained, "Not today, but I will. I'm trying to find the right words". In otherwords, I was trying to find a way to express myself appropriately, professionally.

And as my daughter hugged me, she said "It's important that you tell them that they have been mean to you."

This was a watershed moment: For the first time, I have shared a work-issue with my daughter. She responded by showing understanding for the issue and giving me support (as much as can be expected from a four year old). The conversation echoed many of those that we have had before but when the issue was about other kids that have mean to her.

So, I feel not only comforted by our conversation on a personal level, but reassured that my daughter is developing a strong moral compass. I will continue to keep teaching how to behave, and I hope that we, as a society, find a way to ensure that all children are brought up learning this lesson.

Achieving Fulfilment from the Present

Until a couple of years ago, I had a long-term life goal. I have written about this before, but just to recap:

I entered the workplace in 1997. I had a 10 year career goal: it defined key stages, with the ultimate goal being the appointment to the role of Director of Human Resources. I am pleased to report that I did achieve this goal, but was quickly dissolutioned. Partly, although my strategy was on track, I don't think I really believed that I would achieve my goal. And once I did, I thought - if I knew what I knew now, I perhaps wouldn't have been so ambitious and taken more time out along the way.

Another long-term goal I want to share with you was one that I had whilst I was at school. At 11, I decided that I wanted to be house-captain: an appointment that is made upon entering the final year at age 17. I planned my strategy: I was involved in all house activities that enabled me to be appointed to the house committee at 16 (there were only 4 of us on the committee), and only those on the committee were eligible to be appointed house captain a year later. I worked hard that year, and I deserved the appointment. However, although the appointments were supposedly made in a beaurocratic manner, the "leaders" at the school didn't like the outcome of selection process for Head Girl. As a consolation prize, she was appointed House Captain and I was robbed. I cried for 24 hours. And I learnt a harsh lesson.

I think that these two life experiences have influenced my current thinking. I observed a few months ago that I didn't have any long term goals, and that, in fact, I was OK about this. However, I've subsequently realised, I do have goals, it's just that they're more centred in the present:

1. To provide a stable economic and emotional home.
2. To be a role model for my children
3. To be in a position whereby I can retire comfortably (in another 25 years) and be able to own a second home

Everything I do is now based around these "guiding principles" as I prefer to call them. For example, I am a govenor at my children's preschool. This not only provides me with professional development, but I regularly have to speak publically at events. This role is important to me, as I demonstrate confidence and community involvement to my daughter.

So, I think that I've learnt that instead of always aiming for long-term goals, I'm seeking more fulfillment in my day-to-day activities. Instead of always wanting more, I'm satisfied with what I currently have. And as a result, I am a happier mother, wife and coach.

Having "Grit" vs Being Tenacious

This week I've been spending some time thinking about "Grit". I'm not talking about the state of our roads and the snow that has challenged our daily lives over the last month, but our ability to see things through to completion.

I first started to think about "Grit" after reading this month's Thinking Woman's Coach Newsletter. It lead me on journey to help me understand how I'm feeling at the moment

For the last few weeks, it's been impossible to avoid all the inspirational and motivational blogs, articles, emails on setting objectives and goals for the New Year. (And yes, I did post a similar article myself on Minerva's Mind just before the New Year.) These articles are all very upbeat, bright and sparkly. This is exactly the opposite of how I feel.

For me, the New Year starts in March. For the next month I have a mountain of work to get through (all carried over from before Christmas) before I head off for three weeks in Australia. I return from my big trip at the start of March: this is when I'll be able to start thinking ahead about what I want to achieve for the year. The vast amount of work ahead over the next three weeks is overwhelming and I'm under a lot of pressure (mostly self-inflicted).

What is keeping me going - is it my "Grit"? When I took Martin Seligman's "Grit" survey (http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu), I discovered that I have only average levels of "Grit". At first I was disappointed, but then I considered the issue further:

I consider myself to be tenacious: tenacity can be another word for "Grit". I love the word and frequently use it in job specifications. Tenacity is a postive behvioural trait. But can too much tenacity become what others consider to be obstructive behaviour? Does a high score on the "Grit" survey represent a negative behavioural trait?

There are some things worth fighting for - seeing certain goals, dreams or projects to the bitter end. But for others, I make a judgement call as to whether it's worth the time and energy. If I do persevere, will the end product justify the means? I think half the time it probably doesn't, which is why I abandon projects or choose a different route.

I also believe that extrinsic forces compel me to see things through to their completion. Being self-employed, it's not good for business if I leave a client half-way through a project. In these instances, I apply all the postive thinking / coaching techniques that we post on our Minerva's Mind pages to help me.

In essence, one the core elements of Minerva's Mind is providing our "fans" the tools to use when they need to deploy a bit of "Grit". Or alternatively, Minerva's Mind is about enabling our "fans" to develop their ability to be tenacious which in turn will allow them to seek fulfilment in their everday lives.

So on reflection, it's my tenancity that is keeping me going through the month of January. And for the record, I've decided that I'm pleased with my average "Grit" score.

The Luck of the Irish: How I found my "perfect" bin.

This is a silly blog to start the New Year:

Last month I was sent a circular e-mail. It came from a good friend who doesn't normally email me (we mainly text or speak). So I opened her email with intrigue. Inside was a message saying that I should forward the email to as many people as possible and then I would experience "The Luck of the Irish".

I don't normally send on such emails. But my friend is married to an Irishman, and for some reason I believed in the power of this email. Irrational, I know, but I did it anyway. I'll let you know what I wished for (it's not going to come true so it's safe to tell you): to win the lottery.

Anyway, the next part of my story started some months previously. Our Barantia bin had broken. It was 5 or 6 years old, so we weren't that bothered. My husband and I took our kids out shopping to buy a new kitchen bin. Not the most exciting Saturday afternoon we've had in our household this year - but it took a turn for the worse when I decided that I would never find another bin to replace our broken one.

My husband got increasingly irrated with me: I couldn't understand why there were no bins out there which were aesthetically pleasing and at a reasonable price. (On an aside: Why are bins so expensive? It's ridiculous!) My husband tried to put across the point that we would never be able to find my "perfect" bin and that I was being difficult by sticking to my beliefs that there must be one out there. We gave up, came home, everyone feeling miserable: mission abondoned.

A few weeks later I arrived very early for one of my daugther's birthday parties. So I persuaded her to pop into Habitat with me. And that's when I saw it: The Perfect Bin. And the price was within the realms of acceptability. However, my dreams were shattered when I discovered there were none in stock. A couple of weeks pass, and one cold, but sunny, Thursday lunchtime I was driving near to Habitat again and decided to try my luck. Not only did they have my bin in stock, but it was 20% off. I was delighted.

And the first thing that came to mind: that Luck of the Irish email that I forwarded to everyone has come true!

Whether or not a circular email that creates good luck is a ridiculous concept or a fantastic opportunity, I am now a happy lady with my "perfect" bin.

How to make a successful New Year's Resolution

It's that time of year when we start to think about making New Year's Resolutions. I can almost hear you groan...."What's the point? New Year's Resolutions are almost always broken before we reach the end of January." But before we start, I just want to say that for the last five years, I have successfully kept my New Year's Resolutions. I'll share the secret of my success with you shortly.

Most of the articles you read about New Year's Resolutions encourage the reader to make their resolutions as robust as a "SMART" objective. These articles encourage you to have a date by when you'll have achieved your goal, be clear in what you want to achieve etc. For example, the Efficiency Coach recently wrote the following:

"Did you know that only about 3% of adults have clear, written goals?

These people accomplish five to ten times as much as people of equal ability and standing, but who, have never taken the time to write out exactly what they want to achieve.... "

So, we're all encouraged to write SMART resolutions, but most of us, apparently, seem unable to do so.

And then, most articles fail to discuss or give us advice on how to overcome barriers and challenges. There's nothing more depressing that failing to keep your New Year's Resolution within the first few weeks of the New Year. As soon as you break it, or have a minor blip, your confidence drops; you doubt your ability to sustain the energy required to make your resolution successful. And so, most people give up.

Not me: I break all the rules when making my New Year's Resolutions. My resolution for the last five years have been "To become a better cook". There's nothing specific about this resolution: cooking requires a massive range of skills from baking, to slow cooking. This resolution does not define or restrict me in any way. I don't have to work at it every day - or even every week. Some weeks when work is really busy, I don't have time to indulge myself in my hobby. There's no timescale: so as long as I judge myself to be a better cook than 364 days ago, then my resolution has been successful.

So my advice is as follows:
1. Do something that will involve gradual improvement over the year.
2. Keep it vague.
3. Don't commit yourself in terms of time.

In case you're interested, I've decided to have a different New Year's Resolution this year: To consider living abroad.

Let me know what New Year's Resolutions you've made this year.

When it's difficult to find the right words

Last week a close family friend, Adelaide, died. My daughter was named after her. This blog is about how I supported Adelaide's daughter to find the right words to say at her funeral this week.

My husband recieved a call: "Tell me what I should say about Adelaide". He replied along the lines of "I'll have to think about it - I'll speak to Karen and we'll call you back". I responded by saything that I'd visit her at the weekend, kids in tow: they always bring light to a sad situation.

And on Sunday afternoon, Adelaide's daughter and I got onto the conversation of what she should say at the funeral. I could think of a thousand wonderful sentiments, but from my perspective, it was important that Adelaide's daughter came up with the right words and wonderful memories that should be shared with family and friends. Adelaide's daughter was so struck with grief that she found it too hard to do this by herself.

I felt that this was an area where my coaching skills would be of benefit. I thought of a number of key questions, which I worked through with Adelaide's daughter:
"What brought a twinkle to her eyes?"
"What was it that was special about Adelaide that made your dad want to make her his wife?"
"What did you mum give you when you needed it most?"
"What did all the staff in her care home say about her when they were consoling you?"

Each question lead to another one, and within 30 minutes we had a reasonable list of interests, personal qualtities and reasons why we will miss her. It sounds easy when I put it down in writing. But it was important that we approached this with the right sentiment: we ended the conversation celebrating a life as we moved our emotions from grief to temporary happiness.

Adelaide's daughter thanked me as I left. I only contributed one memory to the list: she was an avid ballroom dancer in her youth: she would have beaten off all the competition in Strictly!

So, my thoughts this week are for a life that has passed: Although I have only known Adelaide for 9 years, I will miss her and her sense of humour. I will miss our chats whilst we waited for everybody else to arrive at the dinner table. I will miss the fact that my children will never know her. This blog is for you, Adelaide.

The Importance of Belonging

This is the first year since I first started work that I've not been employed by an organisation around christmas time.

I realised in early november that I wouldn't get an christmas party invite this year. In an attempt to overcome this I approached the Directors of a consultancy company that I work for suggesting that we held a party for all the Associates. After deliberation, they informed me that they were extremely busy in the weeks leading up to christmas and so no, there would be no party this year. However, they did offer to take my husband and I out to dinner in the New Year to say thank you for all the hard work and support that I've offered them over the last year. Whilst I'm looking forward to this evening, I still felt the absence of a works christmas party.


As a student at the University of East London, one of my student colleauges arranged a christmas dinner after class one Saturday. I eagerly accepted, and 8 of us had a very enjoyable evening. I felt part of a team, an equal with a group of people with whom I have shared interests. It wasn't quite the same as a works christmas party, as we all departed for home at 7pm!


I've found myself giving gifts to teams that I'm currently working with. For example, I am a Parent Govenor of a pre-school and nursery. I thought that the top team proably won't get many gifts, so I've bought them some festive chocolates. My generousity has partially alleviated the gap in my life that would normally be filled by knowing I have a works christmas party to attend. I spent some time this last week trying to understand why I was feeling this dissonance. Why does this really matter to me?

I think it's becuase everybody has the need to belong, to feel that they part of a bigger whole. At christmas this is publically displayed through the works christmas party. Whilst as an individual we may choose not to attend, or we attend, but leave early - we still want to be invited. We still need that public acknowledgement that we are part of a particular team.

I've become conscious of the fact that my actions are being driven by the need to belong to a team at this time of year. I am a team of one. My relationships with organisations and others is significantly different this year. And what do I consider is the impact of this? This has meant that I've been more generous than in previous years. Perhaps this year has brought out a better side of me?

Christmas is a time for giving and showing those that are close to us that we care. I hope that you all had an enjoyable christmas party, and that you have a full and meaningful christmas.

Renewing old friendships through LinkedIn

A truly wonderful thing happened earlier this week. On Monday morning, I sat down at my desk and commenced the week by checking my emails: I had an invite to connect from an old friend, Ulrike who I hadn't spoken or written to in almost 14 years!

Those who have read my previous blogs will know that I spent a year living in Bogota, Colombia. It was part of a Youth Culture Exchange Scheme. I was one of 20 internationals who were placed with Colombian families and undertook voluntary work for one year. The eldest daughter in my Colombian family was living in Germany for the year, and in that family, the son was placed with a family in Mexico, etc. I was the only Brit who went to Colombia that year, and I only met one other Brit in the entire twelve months. It was, without doubt, the most profound year of my life: difficult but it was incredibly rewarding. I met some fantastic people during that year and made some fabulous friends. Ulrike, who was from Germany was my best friend.

In the world of South America, the commonalities between the British and German cultures quickly became apparent, and I think that's what first drew me to Ulrike. And the fact that we both had interesting love-lives that year! When I think of Ulrike, I am reminded of a kind, generous, interesting, and intelligent person who enjoys life.

When I came back to England, I moved to London and started my first year of "real" work. That year was equally tough, but not so rewarding. I struggled with trying to find a career, had little money, lived in less-than-desirable houses and tried to make sense out of my love-life. With so much going on, I lost touch with all of my Colombian friends. Over the years I've thought about them a lot, and I've missed key people, such as Ulrike.

Naturally, I readily accepted my invitation to connect. And in doing so, it made me think a bit further about the potential of LinkedIn. Kate and I have been experimenting with networking recently: we're each exploring different avenues to try and determine their potential. We both recently attended a networking event about how to make the most out of LinkedIn for your business. It only became apparent to me this week the incredible potential that LinkedIn has to reconnect with old friends: I've spent the last week getting in touch with people that I failed to find via Facebook.

Move over Facebook....LinkedIn is my new social networking application of choice.

Reflections on my first year in business: Part 1

It's almost a year since I set myself up as a HR Consultant and Coaching Pscyhologist. As always, I am reflecting back on the year, and in particular thinking about those individuals who have supported me.

To provide some context, I have to say that I have had an extremely successful year. I have more than doubled my projected turnover. Earlier this year, I increased my availability as I was getting more offers of work than I could possibly take on. As I write, I find myself facing the same situation again. I feel lucky that I'm in a position, in the middle of recession, to be able to turn down work.

I couldn't have acheived this without a good friend of mine. I first met him when I worked with him a few years ago. He found me when I was burnt-out and jaded. He gave me two key pieces of advice: Leave your job and go free-lance. And get some more qualifications.

At the time I said "I'm pregnant (with my second child), I'm moving house and I just want some stability". He silently nodded, but over the next few months, he doggedly pestered me about putting his advice into practice. Each time we met, he would find an excuse to give me some practical lessons on how to run a consultancy. He taught me about pricing, contract management etc. I kept saying to him "I'll think about it when I go on Maternity Leave", but I was interested and I did listen to him.

Before my maternity leave had finished, I had started a Masters Degree in Coaching Pyschology. I had found some "spare" time and had undertaken some consultancy work. I left my old job and haven't looked back.

During this year, the two Directors at Consulting at 216 (www.consultingat216.com) have given me tremendous support. I have known both of them for years, but our relationship has changed as I now work as a Associate for this consultancy company. They have taught me how to manage client relationships, and how to deliver a first-class, professional service. Their advice is constructive and meaningful: without them, I wouldn't keep pushing to raise my own standards.

Each morning, I wake up and I look forward to work (again). I have learnt so much this last year, both from the contracts that I have undertaken and from my Masters Degree course. I feel alive, vibrant, and most importantly, current.

My friend who found me burnt-out and jaded could obviously see my potential. I'm so glad that I took his advice. I hope that this coming year is just as fruitful and successful.

How can I fight commercialism?

Recently, my daughter turned four. On the eve of her birthday I was wrapping her presents. She had chosen the majority of them, but we had also bought a few extra that we thought she'd enjoy (and also of educational value!). As I wrapped them, I reflected on the fact that all the presents my daughter had chosen were from known brands - Ben 10, High School Musical, Toy Story etc. Whilst I approved of all the toys we had bought, I began to wonder: Has my soon-to-be four year old been exposed so much to commercialism that it's already demonstrating its influence over her choices at such a young age? Am I a bad mum for allowing this to happen?

I took a step back and began to think more about her choice of presents.

One of the biggest presents was her High School Musical Outfit (including the pom-poms). Those who are my friend on facebook know that I'm a fan of HSM - we regularly play the CD at home. The outfit idea had come from one of her friends at nursery,who had worn her HSM outfit (including the pom-poms) one day. Although my daughter said nothing at the time, she obviously coverted the red sparkly leotard. Dress up and role-play is an important part of her development. Currently, she will only wear her reindeer and fairy outfits - so I welcomed her request for another dressing-up outfit as this will broader her creative play.

As I looked at her toys, I began to notice that the common theme here that my daughter is influenced by her peers (that explains the Ben 10 watch). How can I fight commercialism where the marketing is so integral to society it infiltrates our nurseries?

And then I caught sight of the Beyonce CD. Where did this inspiration come from? I have a degree in Music and I love listening to all types of music. We regularly play CDs during mealtimes, and currently it ranges from Abba, to Ray Charles to Tchaikovsky's Ballet Suites. But Beyonce doesn't really have a place in our music collection.

Then I remembered: earlier this year, I took my daughter to a "proper" hairdressers for the first time. I was worried about how she would react, so I "bigged" it up, and she was very excited about being treated like a princess. As we waited for our appointment, Beyonce's "Single Ladies" played on the video. Admittedly it's a great video (it did win the MTV Music Video of the Year award) and my daughter sat captivated. Subsequently, she now recognises most of Beyonce's songs. She asked me to play Beyonce one mealtime, and I explained that I couldn't as we didn't own any of her songs. That's when she asked me to buy her the CD for her birthday. How could I refuse?

I could go on....but the bottom line is that she loves all the toys that she asked for and has played with them endlessly since her birthday.

So, in essence, I don't think I'm a bad mum. I'm now more aware that my daughter is influenced by everything and everyone around her, and I can't control that. My role is ensuring that she maintains a balanced approach to life and is aware of incredible influence that marketing / commercialism has on our lives. Wish me luck!

How to tell a story

Last year I watched both of the Truman Capote Films: Capote (2005), staring Philip Seymour Hoffman who won an Oscar for his performance and Infamous (2006). Both films covered the period of Truman Capote's life when he was researching the book "In Cold Blood".

What struck me most about these films is how Capote would use social gatherings, parties, or dinner parties to refine his stories through orally telling his friends about the subjects of his current book. Each time he told the story he noted the reaction of the audience and this influenced his sentence construction and phrasing to enable maximum impact to the reader.

I recalled this fine art of story-telling as I prepared this week for a workshop for staff who are currently undergoing an organisation restructure. All the staff are having to apply for new posts in their department and my workshop is to support them through this process so that they are able to effectively demonstrate their skills, experience and abilities.

One of the key elements whilst preparing for an interview or any type of selection process is to practice "out-loud" the responses to key questions. We often find that we've constructed an excellent reponse in our minds, but frequently this response does not sound as good when we hear it out loud for the first time.

I encourage participants to find some private space - either in the car, or in the shower for example, and to use this space to recite their stories out loud. The key is to repeat the stories over and over - ensuring that the story reaches a conclusive end. Refine the story as you practice it, and the more you do, the more embedded the story will become.

When faced with a couple interviewers, candidates often feel nervous and their minds "go-blank". With well rehearsed stories, answers spring to mind easily and the delivery is well prepared: it demonstrates the point, highlights the learning that occured and shows the interviews both the level of skills / experience as well as the ability to reflect and learn.

So, I think that Truman Capote sets us a good example. We may not be as literary competent as he is, but we can learn from his methodology about how to make the most of our own stories.

Book Review - Time to Think by Nancy Kline

Title of publication: Time To Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind

Author: Nancy Kline

Publisher: Ward Lock, London, 1999

Price: £9.99

Summary of Content

This book introduces Nancy Kline’s model of the Thinking Environment (TE). The premise is that with a certain set of conditions in place, the human mind will have the ability to think more effectively and independently. Kline argues that it is important to develop a TE in everything that we do, because “until we are able to think for ourselves, our dreams are not free to unfold”

In the first part of the book, Kline outlines the 10 components that create a TE: attention, incisive questions, equality, appreciation, ease, encouragement, feelings, information sometimes, place, and diversity.

The first two components of attention and incisive questions are the most important: Whilst demonstrating that they are being attentive to the speaker, the listener must ensure that they allow individuals to speak uninterrupted. By doing so, individuals are more likely to feel free to allow their mind to consider possibilities that they would never have considered if they had been interrupted or felt limited by time. Nancy Kline neatly names the habit of interrupting as “verbal tailgating”.

The model of incisive questions is explored in the second part of the book under the “Thinking Partnership”: Kline explains how limiting beliefs can be identified and then removed through the use of Incisive Questions. This is a key technique that is used to open up the thinker to reach more substantial conclusions or insight in their key issues.

In the second half of the book, Kline describes how the TE can been applied in organisations, and describes a model that can make meetings become more effective. The model for a Thinking Partnership is accompanied by a case study which brings the power of the intervention to life. In essence, the Thinking Partnership could be described as a model for a coaching session.

In the final part of the book, Kline describes how the TE can be applied in a range of settings: health, education, politics, relationships and the family.

Who should read this book?

Although many of aspects of this book can be adopted by anyone, I would particularly recommend it to managers, trainers and coaches. I feel that there are many good elements of this book that can be utilised, if used in combination with other approaches such as Motivational Interviewing.


Summary

I found this book extremely interesting. It proposes a fresh approach to listening and argues that having positive approach to issues can enable them to overcome any manner of difficulty.

The tools and techniques that Kline describes in this book can be readily used within a coaching and / or training environment. Whilst Kline recommends that for the TE to be fully effective, all 10 components need to be present, I have chosen to take the key tools and techniques presented to use in my own work both as a coach and trainer: most notably the "ice-breaker" technique that is deployed at the beginning of meetings and the use of Incisive Questions.

However, I felt the book lost some of its credibility in the chapter regarding Health. In this chapter, NK describes the awful experience she had in her 20s when she is faced with life threatening cancer. She goes on to explain that her choice to refuse medication and instead to think positively enabled her to survive. Whilst this is an incredible story, I found this difficult to reconcile having worked in the NHS for over 10 years.

On the whole, this is a powerful book, with new insights into empowering individuals to achieve more by making conscious decisions in their own lives and fro this reason I would recommend this book.


Overall rating: 8/10

Celebrating 5 years of tolerance.

I'm asking you to indulge me with this blog post. Today I am celebrating 5 year's of marriage and I felt that it was worth marking the occaision by writing about it.

Earlier this week, I asked the Other Half, what did he think the key ingredients were to our marriage? He replied "Trust, Honest, Respect....and Tolerance". We both laughed for a moment, but then I said "I think you're right, I think that being tolerant with each other has been fundamental".

I've written before on Minerva's Mind, about how my husband and I have a number of common interests including the Great Amercian Drama and the love of good food (tonight we will be sharing a Chateaubriand at a fabulous restaurant). But that's not what keeps us together: it's our ability to rise above the daily battles.

I'll give you a couple of examples: My hubbie believes that there is an exact method for stacking dishes in the dishwasher. I personally believe that time is more important than the effort required to ensure that I am maximising the use of the dishwasher; A more generic example is my laid-back attitude versus my husband's risk-averse approach to life. How do we get around these daily conflicts? Tolerance.

After five year's of marriage, we now have two small children. They drain us of energy but they also give us so much pleasure. But everyone knows that when we're tired, we're less tolerant. My hubbie and I constantly remind ourselves of our need to be role models for them. We support each other when faced with challenging situations as we try our best to respond appropriately. By doing this, we teach our children the importance of tolerance.

I chose to write about how important tolerance is in our marriage, as I think without it we wouldn't have survived. But it's just one of the many things that I value in our relationship. This isn't a blog about "love conquers all", but something much more than that. My hubbie is my best friend, the person who keeps me grounded and always brings me chocolate when I most need it. Here's to another five years.