How to make a successful New Year's Resolution

It's that time of year when we start to think about making New Year's Resolutions. I can almost hear you groan...."What's the point? New Year's Resolutions are almost always broken before we reach the end of January." But before we start, I just want to say that for the last five years, I have successfully kept my New Year's Resolutions. I'll share the secret of my success with you shortly.

Most of the articles you read about New Year's Resolutions encourage the reader to make their resolutions as robust as a "SMART" objective. These articles encourage you to have a date by when you'll have achieved your goal, be clear in what you want to achieve etc. For example, the Efficiency Coach recently wrote the following:

"Did you know that only about 3% of adults have clear, written goals?

These people accomplish five to ten times as much as people of equal ability and standing, but who, have never taken the time to write out exactly what they want to achieve.... "

So, we're all encouraged to write SMART resolutions, but most of us, apparently, seem unable to do so.

And then, most articles fail to discuss or give us advice on how to overcome barriers and challenges. There's nothing more depressing that failing to keep your New Year's Resolution within the first few weeks of the New Year. As soon as you break it, or have a minor blip, your confidence drops; you doubt your ability to sustain the energy required to make your resolution successful. And so, most people give up.

Not me: I break all the rules when making my New Year's Resolutions. My resolution for the last five years have been "To become a better cook". There's nothing specific about this resolution: cooking requires a massive range of skills from baking, to slow cooking. This resolution does not define or restrict me in any way. I don't have to work at it every day - or even every week. Some weeks when work is really busy, I don't have time to indulge myself in my hobby. There's no timescale: so as long as I judge myself to be a better cook than 364 days ago, then my resolution has been successful.

So my advice is as follows:
1. Do something that will involve gradual improvement over the year.
2. Keep it vague.
3. Don't commit yourself in terms of time.

In case you're interested, I've decided to have a different New Year's Resolution this year: To consider living abroad.

Let me know what New Year's Resolutions you've made this year.

When it's difficult to find the right words

Last week a close family friend, Adelaide, died. My daughter was named after her. This blog is about how I supported Adelaide's daughter to find the right words to say at her funeral this week.

My husband recieved a call: "Tell me what I should say about Adelaide". He replied along the lines of "I'll have to think about it - I'll speak to Karen and we'll call you back". I responded by saything that I'd visit her at the weekend, kids in tow: they always bring light to a sad situation.

And on Sunday afternoon, Adelaide's daughter and I got onto the conversation of what she should say at the funeral. I could think of a thousand wonderful sentiments, but from my perspective, it was important that Adelaide's daughter came up with the right words and wonderful memories that should be shared with family and friends. Adelaide's daughter was so struck with grief that she found it too hard to do this by herself.

I felt that this was an area where my coaching skills would be of benefit. I thought of a number of key questions, which I worked through with Adelaide's daughter:
"What brought a twinkle to her eyes?"
"What was it that was special about Adelaide that made your dad want to make her his wife?"
"What did you mum give you when you needed it most?"
"What did all the staff in her care home say about her when they were consoling you?"

Each question lead to another one, and within 30 minutes we had a reasonable list of interests, personal qualtities and reasons why we will miss her. It sounds easy when I put it down in writing. But it was important that we approached this with the right sentiment: we ended the conversation celebrating a life as we moved our emotions from grief to temporary happiness.

Adelaide's daughter thanked me as I left. I only contributed one memory to the list: she was an avid ballroom dancer in her youth: she would have beaten off all the competition in Strictly!

So, my thoughts this week are for a life that has passed: Although I have only known Adelaide for 9 years, I will miss her and her sense of humour. I will miss our chats whilst we waited for everybody else to arrive at the dinner table. I will miss the fact that my children will never know her. This blog is for you, Adelaide.

The Importance of Belonging

This is the first year since I first started work that I've not been employed by an organisation around christmas time.

I realised in early november that I wouldn't get an christmas party invite this year. In an attempt to overcome this I approached the Directors of a consultancy company that I work for suggesting that we held a party for all the Associates. After deliberation, they informed me that they were extremely busy in the weeks leading up to christmas and so no, there would be no party this year. However, they did offer to take my husband and I out to dinner in the New Year to say thank you for all the hard work and support that I've offered them over the last year. Whilst I'm looking forward to this evening, I still felt the absence of a works christmas party.


As a student at the University of East London, one of my student colleauges arranged a christmas dinner after class one Saturday. I eagerly accepted, and 8 of us had a very enjoyable evening. I felt part of a team, an equal with a group of people with whom I have shared interests. It wasn't quite the same as a works christmas party, as we all departed for home at 7pm!


I've found myself giving gifts to teams that I'm currently working with. For example, I am a Parent Govenor of a pre-school and nursery. I thought that the top team proably won't get many gifts, so I've bought them some festive chocolates. My generousity has partially alleviated the gap in my life that would normally be filled by knowing I have a works christmas party to attend. I spent some time this last week trying to understand why I was feeling this dissonance. Why does this really matter to me?

I think it's becuase everybody has the need to belong, to feel that they part of a bigger whole. At christmas this is publically displayed through the works christmas party. Whilst as an individual we may choose not to attend, or we attend, but leave early - we still want to be invited. We still need that public acknowledgement that we are part of a particular team.

I've become conscious of the fact that my actions are being driven by the need to belong to a team at this time of year. I am a team of one. My relationships with organisations and others is significantly different this year. And what do I consider is the impact of this? This has meant that I've been more generous than in previous years. Perhaps this year has brought out a better side of me?

Christmas is a time for giving and showing those that are close to us that we care. I hope that you all had an enjoyable christmas party, and that you have a full and meaningful christmas.

Renewing old friendships through LinkedIn

A truly wonderful thing happened earlier this week. On Monday morning, I sat down at my desk and commenced the week by checking my emails: I had an invite to connect from an old friend, Ulrike who I hadn't spoken or written to in almost 14 years!

Those who have read my previous blogs will know that I spent a year living in Bogota, Colombia. It was part of a Youth Culture Exchange Scheme. I was one of 20 internationals who were placed with Colombian families and undertook voluntary work for one year. The eldest daughter in my Colombian family was living in Germany for the year, and in that family, the son was placed with a family in Mexico, etc. I was the only Brit who went to Colombia that year, and I only met one other Brit in the entire twelve months. It was, without doubt, the most profound year of my life: difficult but it was incredibly rewarding. I met some fantastic people during that year and made some fabulous friends. Ulrike, who was from Germany was my best friend.

In the world of South America, the commonalities between the British and German cultures quickly became apparent, and I think that's what first drew me to Ulrike. And the fact that we both had interesting love-lives that year! When I think of Ulrike, I am reminded of a kind, generous, interesting, and intelligent person who enjoys life.

When I came back to England, I moved to London and started my first year of "real" work. That year was equally tough, but not so rewarding. I struggled with trying to find a career, had little money, lived in less-than-desirable houses and tried to make sense out of my love-life. With so much going on, I lost touch with all of my Colombian friends. Over the years I've thought about them a lot, and I've missed key people, such as Ulrike.

Naturally, I readily accepted my invitation to connect. And in doing so, it made me think a bit further about the potential of LinkedIn. Kate and I have been experimenting with networking recently: we're each exploring different avenues to try and determine their potential. We both recently attended a networking event about how to make the most out of LinkedIn for your business. It only became apparent to me this week the incredible potential that LinkedIn has to reconnect with old friends: I've spent the last week getting in touch with people that I failed to find via Facebook.

Move over Facebook....LinkedIn is my new social networking application of choice.

Reflections on my first year in business: Part 1

It's almost a year since I set myself up as a HR Consultant and Coaching Pscyhologist. As always, I am reflecting back on the year, and in particular thinking about those individuals who have supported me.

To provide some context, I have to say that I have had an extremely successful year. I have more than doubled my projected turnover. Earlier this year, I increased my availability as I was getting more offers of work than I could possibly take on. As I write, I find myself facing the same situation again. I feel lucky that I'm in a position, in the middle of recession, to be able to turn down work.

I couldn't have acheived this without a good friend of mine. I first met him when I worked with him a few years ago. He found me when I was burnt-out and jaded. He gave me two key pieces of advice: Leave your job and go free-lance. And get some more qualifications.

At the time I said "I'm pregnant (with my second child), I'm moving house and I just want some stability". He silently nodded, but over the next few months, he doggedly pestered me about putting his advice into practice. Each time we met, he would find an excuse to give me some practical lessons on how to run a consultancy. He taught me about pricing, contract management etc. I kept saying to him "I'll think about it when I go on Maternity Leave", but I was interested and I did listen to him.

Before my maternity leave had finished, I had started a Masters Degree in Coaching Pyschology. I had found some "spare" time and had undertaken some consultancy work. I left my old job and haven't looked back.

During this year, the two Directors at Consulting at 216 (www.consultingat216.com) have given me tremendous support. I have known both of them for years, but our relationship has changed as I now work as a Associate for this consultancy company. They have taught me how to manage client relationships, and how to deliver a first-class, professional service. Their advice is constructive and meaningful: without them, I wouldn't keep pushing to raise my own standards.

Each morning, I wake up and I look forward to work (again). I have learnt so much this last year, both from the contracts that I have undertaken and from my Masters Degree course. I feel alive, vibrant, and most importantly, current.

My friend who found me burnt-out and jaded could obviously see my potential. I'm so glad that I took his advice. I hope that this coming year is just as fruitful and successful.