Do your colleagues make you stressed?

Recently I've been reflecting on the different experiences I have had over the years when meeting deadlines. I'm a highly organised person and it isn't hard to meet deadlines when it's just me working on a project. But this isn't the case when working as part of a team. The levels of stress I experience vary from project to project. I wanted to explore the reasons behind this, so as to avoid any unnecessary stress in the future.

I've reaslied that by the nature of my work with various clients and business partners, I work in a number of teams. I'm dependant on my team mates to meet deadlines. My relationship with each member of the team is important in ensuring that we achieve our goal.

In my mind, I compared two recent events with two different teams: in both instances we had to meet a tough deadline:

Team 1: At the 11th hour, when things were really going wrong, and costs were spiralling, there was an underlying feeling of mistrust and blame. I felt that I had to take a defensive stand to demonstrate that the mistakes that we were uncovering were not the result of my (in)actions. I felt paralysed by the negative emotions and the level of stress I was experiencing as I tried to work collaboratively with my colleagues to find a way through the barriers in order to complete the project in time.

Team 2: The attention to detail that characterised the key players in this team meant that at the 11th hour, a technical problem was highlighted. However, because the team players mutually supported each other and had a high level of trust, we were able to calmly work through the options, make the relevant adjustments and still delivered the project within the required timeframe. And without any stress, just heightened sense of motivation.

The bottom line is that my own personal stress levels correspond to the professionalism and maturity of those that I'm working with. In a team where there's high functionality, my stress levels are low and I'm driven to complete the task. Where's there's poor team working, I find myself getting extremely stressed to the point where I am unable to function (not nice).

I'm sure that I'm not the only person who works in teams and has experienced something similar. However, despite coming to these conclusions, I don't the answer to the following question:


"As an HR Consultant who works on a range of portfolio contracts, I work with teams for only a few months at a time. Therefore, I rarely work with the same people for very long. What do I need to do to ensure that when it comes to the 11th hour I'm working in a highly functioning team?"

All answers on a postcard gratefully received.

The Power of the Purple Orchid

Upon returning from holiday recently, I started to prepare for a one hour slot at Mums The Boss' International Women's Day Conference: I had been asked to speak on behalf of Minerva's Mind about "Boosting Your Inner Confidence".

Although Kate & I have delivered workshops on this topic before, I felt that I should try a different approach with this particular audience. As the week progressed, I allowed my creativity to take over; by Sunday night I was trying to work out how many different techniques I could meaningfully explore in my allotted time.

The session went well. It's a vibrant, positive group and the room filled with energy as they immersed themselves in the interactive elements of my session. (In part, I believe this is because Helen and Sam, who are Mums the Boss (MTB) have fostered a lovely, supportive environment that is now integral to the MTBoss Brand.) I left the event, feeling full of energy and alive with ideas.

As a thank you gift, the MTB team gave me a beautiful purple orchid. I've always wanted an orchid and it now sits proudly in my kitchen. Whenever I take a break during the day from my work, I go downstairs to make a cup of coffee. I see my beautiful purple orchid and it reminds me of the positive emotions that I felt on International Womens Day. This gives me the boost I require to go back to work, envigorated and often with a surge of creative inspiration.

What I'm experiencing with my Purple Orchid is what NLP practitioners would call "anchoring". I'm sorry if I upset anybody when I say this, but I'm not a fan of NLP, and don't really believe that "achoring" works. With NLP, individuals are asked to recall a past event or moment and use that as their "anchor". In the past, this technique has not worked for me. Partly as I forget what I've chosen as my "anchor" or the emotions that I recall for my "anchor" are not strong enough to have an impact. But not this time. For me, the "anchoring" occured at the point that I recieved the gift and I have consciously fostered the postive emotions attached to it. My purple orchid is powerful.

We're all different and "anchoring" may work for you, or it may not. From my perspective, my purple orchid brings so much positive engery into my life and I would like to thanks the MTB team again for giving me such a wonderful flower.

Happy Mother's Day

Today, in the UK, we are celebrating Mother's Day, and we celebrated International Women's Day earlier in the week. Perhaps it is apt that this week I was recommended a book called "The Female Brain". I was so compelled by the recommendation that I subsequently bought the book; I have been unable to put it down and I have almost finished it three days later (not easy with two small children).

Why is the book so good? It details the chemical reactions in a woman's brain from the age of an eight week foetus through to post-menopause. In essence, it's a high-brow "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". But through case studies and explanation of women's behaviour, the book is both funny and credible. It has really reasonated with me.

So, what has this to do with Mother's Day? Well today, when my OH woke up this morning, he decided that he wanted to clear the loft. To cut a long story short, we cleared our bedroom Wednesday night, as our wardrobes were being fitted Thursday. By the end of the day on Friday, they were only a third completed, with no completion date in sight. I was mightly impressed when my OH took the view that "This is an opportunity"; I am always happy to share my optomistic approach to life where my glass is always more than half full.

My OH made clear his expectations from the start: we were going to "rationalise" what we stored up in the loft. In reality, the majority of stuff that I store up there are the kids toys that are "on rotation" or old kiddies clothes that I just haven't got around to sorting out and putting on e-bay yet. And then there's loads of other stuff that's been up in the loft forever. Naturally, I didn't want to get rid of my of bits, and we both knew that we would be having a heated discussion over said items.

But an interesting thing happened. We made an initial sift of what was going to be thrown away. We calmly debated our difference of opinions on certain items. And that's when the watershed moment happened: I agreed that if the OH wanted to throw out this particular suitcase that I was attached to, then he would have to sacrifice the vanity mirror that he had bought for me and I had never used. After having made this deal, I felt librated. Suddenly I was able to let go of items that I had been holding onto for years, without fuss, regret or tears.

Now, before I had read "The Female Brain", I think I would have thought that the fact that I was still suffering from a cold was the reason for this act of insanity. However, I now realise that by making this deal, my brain had a chemical reaction: prior to making the deal, my brain was flooded with the chemicals that make mothers anxious, nuturing and protective (part of our flight / fight response). It was these set of chemicals that made me want to keep everything that I had squirreled away. But post decision, I believe I was filled with testosterone which meant that I could be brave and reckless. We were able to substantially reduced amount of items that we store in the loft. Overall, a job well done for Mother's Day.

So that was my Mother's Day. How was yours?

Making It Happen

My family & I recently went on a three week holiday to Australia, with stop-offs in Singapore and Hong Kong. It was an ideal time to go: my daughter will be going to school in September so it's the last big holiday we can make during term-time; my son is almost two and so his airfare was cheap.

During our entire holiday, we had the same conversation with fellow passengers, hotel staff or locals that went as follows:

"Going to visit relevatives? No? Oh.....you're really brave, doing such a big trip with two little ones".

I was baffled by the number of people that held this view, so much so, that I began to ponder on the significance of their comments.

Over the years, I have noticed that I have a tendancy to sometimes enter into things without fully thinking throught the challenges that I will face. For example, I went off to live in Colombia for a year, with a Colombian family, without being able to speak a word of Spanish.

With this trip, I didn't really think about how hard it would / could be travelling for three weeks, five cities and six flights with two toddlers.

Why do I do this? To be honest,I think that the fundamental reason is that my husband and I really wanted to make this trip. We had a sense of drive that meant that we were incredibly focussed on making the most out of these three weeks.

Even if somebody had pointed out.....
- that we would have no time to ourself for three weeks;
- that we would not be able to eat healthily and at regular intervals;
- that there are hundreds of posionous insects and that we'd constantly have to keep an eye on our children;
- that the constant travelling is tiring;
....I don't think that would have stopped us.

And in the end, we had a fabulous trip. We saw so many amazing sights and we had lots of fun with our children and saw their world expand as they encountered each new experience.

What I learnt from this, is that when I really want something, it doesn't matter what the obstacles or challenges are, I can make it happen. There's a passion for the experience, a drive to seize the day that makes this obstacles part of the journey, as opposed to the end of the road.

At 6am in Hong Kong airport, I noticed a well-dressed couple in their 60s giving us a look of anxiety. As I suspected, they were on the same flight as us, and were concerned about the level of disruption our children might bring to the flight (when in fact, they were both generally well behaved, even on 13 hour flights).

The usual conversation cropped up. But this time when they told us how brave we were, I replied, "If you really want to do something......".

They nodded with sage understanding.

A life without drama?

A coaching client presented an intesting dilema when she came to see me this week. She wanted to work through some strategies that would enable her not to bring home the emotion turmoil that she experienced at work.

She described her day: As a fairly large cog in the wheel of her organisation, she found her job mostly routine. However, every so often there would be an emergency that demanded immediate action. She would devote this issue her undivided attention at the exclusion of everything else (including her personal / home responsibilities). On nearly every occasion, she would rise to the challenge and deliver on time to a high standard.

The problem was, she could never anticipate when these emergencies would occur. Sometimes, she would go a whole week without; at other times, she would have two or three in the same week; during a particularly difficult patch, she experienced four emergencies on the same day.

We established that her performance did not suffer when she was required to respond to these issues. It was her emotional response that my client was concerned about. During emergencies she would feel that addrenalin rush, a sense of excitement mixed with anxiety. Afterwards, she would feel superior. This last emotion was linked to the fact that she has a colleague who is constantly seeking to undermine her.

During the quieter periods, my client initial feels relief and calm. But then she starts to feel increasingly uneasy, as she waiting for the next emergency to land on her desk. She constantly thinks about might be coming around the corner, and hoping that it won't "catch her out". Again, it was clear that the undermining colleague's actions were having an impact on my client.

In essence, my client was describing an emotional rollercoaster. And it wasn't a surprise that this was having an effect on her personal life.

We discussed how great it was when she was at the peak of the experience: an exhilarating happiness. But this state did not last, and the feeling of anxiety would take over. We went to discuss what it meant to feel an enduring sense of contentment (as opposed to alternating highs and lows): Those who experience the extreme happiness are also more likely to feel the depths of despair and unhappiness. Those who are generally content are able to celebrate their successes and cry when they have reasons to; they express their emotions within a moderate range that leads to demonstrates good mental health. My client felt that a strategy that would lead her to achieve contentment was worth defining.

We identified that the two key reasons for her current emotional state: the unpredictabiity of her work; and her colleague who undermines her. My client believed that she could achieve emotional stability by removing one of these factors and we worked through this in our session.

As my client was heading out the door, she turned to me and said: "Although I believe that working towards being emotional contentment will make me a better mother & wife; I just can't imagine a life without drama....." An intestesting observation, and one that we'll tackle in our next session. But how many people are willing to give up the drama in their lives? Could you?

Is the 21st Century Middle-class Mum helping or hindering the next generation?

This week I was engaged in an interesting conversation with three successful 50-something women. Each woman is a mother to accomplished grown-up children, and they all have friends who have equally accomplished children. Their children are currently on a journey to become qualified as doctors or lawyers having achieved academic, music and / or sporting success whilst at school.

I listened to stories of children who had belonged to the National Youth Theatre, or played three instruments and had achieved Grade 8 by the time they were in their early teens. Each mother had ensured that their children were given the opportunity to excel through extra-curricular activities. As successful women themselves, they could be considered as role models to their children – a fact that should be celebrated.

During our conversation, I reflected about a friend whose 8 year old boy now was engaged in four after-school activities. Each one developed some kind of social or sporting skill (eg Scouts, swimming) and she wholly supported her son’s involvement in these activities. But she had recently realised that she had become one of those mums who was constantly ferrying her son about. He was hardly at home to just “play” with his sister or his friends. And she was acutely aware that her younger daughter will soon want (and expect) the same. She pondered with me about how this had happened?

Whilst we want the best for our children, are we in fact pressuring them to achieve too much at such a young age? The women I spent time with this week were concerned that their children might have their mid-life crisis in their mid-20s. As young adults who had experienced such levels of achievement already in their lives, there is a possibility that as they enter the world of work they might experience disappointment or dissatisfaction with life. Or will these 20-somethings have a sense of confidence, drive and a core belief that they know that they can achieve that will enable them to become leaders of society that will make us all proud?

I think that only hindsight will give us this answer. For now, I will continue to give my children the best opportunities with a measure of balance.

Pushing the Boundaries of Competence

We all like to be in our "comfort zone". The place where everything is safe and we confident in what we say and do. However, it is well recognised that for a person to grow, they need to be in their "learning zone". This is the place where an individual is undertaking activities that are just beyond the "comfort zone".

But how large is our individual "learning zone". Do we know when we've crossed over the boundary into the zone of incompetence?

I reflected on this recently as I completed a small project for a client. I have undertaken a range of assignments with this client, mostly using the same set of skills and knowledge. However, they asked me some months ago to undertake a specific project where I had limited knowledge. I declared this lack of knowledge from the start, but they felt that I had the appropriate skills and abilities.

There were times during the project when I was aware that I was being stretched. I was aware of what I didn't know. As a result, I used my judgement and called upon the experts when I needed help. The project was completed timely and the client was pleased with my delivery.

However, I have observed many managers and employees who have been required to work well beyond their learning zone without expert support or advice. Over a period of time, this sustained requirement to work beyond their abilities has lead to incompetence. The reasons behind this might have been either due to poor recruitment, or poor development as roles have significant changed. But the impact on the individual can be destructive both on a personal and professional level.

Having the insight to realise which zone you are currently in (the comfort, learning or beyond) is important. This allows you to make the right decisions about how you manage your work and relationships. It will either push you to raise your game, or to seek alternatives options that will prove more beneficial to you and your organisation in the long-term. Make a conscious decision about how you want to manage your learning.

Teaching our children how to behave

As I drove home from work today, I was listening to the radio. Today, the news leads with the story about two brothers who tortured two young boys in Edlington in South Yorkshire. Details have emerged of the brother's upbringing, that they suffered domestic abuse from a violent father and other contributory factors that led them to believe that they could behave in such an awful way to another person.

I feel strongly about the importance of teaching my children the difference between right and wrong, and the key principle that it is important to behave nicely towards others. This evening, as my daughter was having her bath, I seized the opportunity to discuss this important life lesson with her.

I asked her "What is the most important thing to remember when you're with another person?" The response, "To be nice to each other". Whilst this is incredibly simplistic, at the age of 4, I'm pleased that my daughter knew the right answer to my question.

I then went on to tell her that I had a difficult day: somebody at work had been "mean" to me. We discussed how this had made me sad, and angry.

My daughter asked, "What did you do?"

I replied, "I told someone very important". I didn't think that I could explain the concept of client-contractor relationship to my four year old.

She asked, "Did you tell a teacher?" I replied, "Yes".

My daughter then enquired, "Did you tell this person that they have been mean to you?"

I explained, "Not today, but I will. I'm trying to find the right words". In otherwords, I was trying to find a way to express myself appropriately, professionally.

And as my daughter hugged me, she said "It's important that you tell them that they have been mean to you."

This was a watershed moment: For the first time, I have shared a work-issue with my daughter. She responded by showing understanding for the issue and giving me support (as much as can be expected from a four year old). The conversation echoed many of those that we have had before but when the issue was about other kids that have mean to her.

So, I feel not only comforted by our conversation on a personal level, but reassured that my daughter is developing a strong moral compass. I will continue to keep teaching how to behave, and I hope that we, as a society, find a way to ensure that all children are brought up learning this lesson.

Achieving Fulfilment from the Present

Until a couple of years ago, I had a long-term life goal. I have written about this before, but just to recap:

I entered the workplace in 1997. I had a 10 year career goal: it defined key stages, with the ultimate goal being the appointment to the role of Director of Human Resources. I am pleased to report that I did achieve this goal, but was quickly dissolutioned. Partly, although my strategy was on track, I don't think I really believed that I would achieve my goal. And once I did, I thought - if I knew what I knew now, I perhaps wouldn't have been so ambitious and taken more time out along the way.

Another long-term goal I want to share with you was one that I had whilst I was at school. At 11, I decided that I wanted to be house-captain: an appointment that is made upon entering the final year at age 17. I planned my strategy: I was involved in all house activities that enabled me to be appointed to the house committee at 16 (there were only 4 of us on the committee), and only those on the committee were eligible to be appointed house captain a year later. I worked hard that year, and I deserved the appointment. However, although the appointments were supposedly made in a beaurocratic manner, the "leaders" at the school didn't like the outcome of selection process for Head Girl. As a consolation prize, she was appointed House Captain and I was robbed. I cried for 24 hours. And I learnt a harsh lesson.

I think that these two life experiences have influenced my current thinking. I observed a few months ago that I didn't have any long term goals, and that, in fact, I was OK about this. However, I've subsequently realised, I do have goals, it's just that they're more centred in the present:

1. To provide a stable economic and emotional home.
2. To be a role model for my children
3. To be in a position whereby I can retire comfortably (in another 25 years) and be able to own a second home

Everything I do is now based around these "guiding principles" as I prefer to call them. For example, I am a govenor at my children's preschool. This not only provides me with professional development, but I regularly have to speak publically at events. This role is important to me, as I demonstrate confidence and community involvement to my daughter.

So, I think that I've learnt that instead of always aiming for long-term goals, I'm seeking more fulfillment in my day-to-day activities. Instead of always wanting more, I'm satisfied with what I currently have. And as a result, I am a happier mother, wife and coach.

Having "Grit" vs Being Tenacious

This week I've been spending some time thinking about "Grit". I'm not talking about the state of our roads and the snow that has challenged our daily lives over the last month, but our ability to see things through to completion.

I first started to think about "Grit" after reading this month's Thinking Woman's Coach Newsletter. It lead me on journey to help me understand how I'm feeling at the moment

For the last few weeks, it's been impossible to avoid all the inspirational and motivational blogs, articles, emails on setting objectives and goals for the New Year. (And yes, I did post a similar article myself on Minerva's Mind just before the New Year.) These articles are all very upbeat, bright and sparkly. This is exactly the opposite of how I feel.

For me, the New Year starts in March. For the next month I have a mountain of work to get through (all carried over from before Christmas) before I head off for three weeks in Australia. I return from my big trip at the start of March: this is when I'll be able to start thinking ahead about what I want to achieve for the year. The vast amount of work ahead over the next three weeks is overwhelming and I'm under a lot of pressure (mostly self-inflicted).

What is keeping me going - is it my "Grit"? When I took Martin Seligman's "Grit" survey (http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu), I discovered that I have only average levels of "Grit". At first I was disappointed, but then I considered the issue further:

I consider myself to be tenacious: tenacity can be another word for "Grit". I love the word and frequently use it in job specifications. Tenacity is a postive behvioural trait. But can too much tenacity become what others consider to be obstructive behaviour? Does a high score on the "Grit" survey represent a negative behavioural trait?

There are some things worth fighting for - seeing certain goals, dreams or projects to the bitter end. But for others, I make a judgement call as to whether it's worth the time and energy. If I do persevere, will the end product justify the means? I think half the time it probably doesn't, which is why I abandon projects or choose a different route.

I also believe that extrinsic forces compel me to see things through to their completion. Being self-employed, it's not good for business if I leave a client half-way through a project. In these instances, I apply all the postive thinking / coaching techniques that we post on our Minerva's Mind pages to help me.

In essence, one the core elements of Minerva's Mind is providing our "fans" the tools to use when they need to deploy a bit of "Grit". Or alternatively, Minerva's Mind is about enabling our "fans" to develop their ability to be tenacious which in turn will allow them to seek fulfilment in their everday lives.

So on reflection, it's my tenancity that is keeping me going through the month of January. And for the record, I've decided that I'm pleased with my average "Grit" score.

The Luck of the Irish: How I found my "perfect" bin.

This is a silly blog to start the New Year:

Last month I was sent a circular e-mail. It came from a good friend who doesn't normally email me (we mainly text or speak). So I opened her email with intrigue. Inside was a message saying that I should forward the email to as many people as possible and then I would experience "The Luck of the Irish".

I don't normally send on such emails. But my friend is married to an Irishman, and for some reason I believed in the power of this email. Irrational, I know, but I did it anyway. I'll let you know what I wished for (it's not going to come true so it's safe to tell you): to win the lottery.

Anyway, the next part of my story started some months previously. Our Barantia bin had broken. It was 5 or 6 years old, so we weren't that bothered. My husband and I took our kids out shopping to buy a new kitchen bin. Not the most exciting Saturday afternoon we've had in our household this year - but it took a turn for the worse when I decided that I would never find another bin to replace our broken one.

My husband got increasingly irrated with me: I couldn't understand why there were no bins out there which were aesthetically pleasing and at a reasonable price. (On an aside: Why are bins so expensive? It's ridiculous!) My husband tried to put across the point that we would never be able to find my "perfect" bin and that I was being difficult by sticking to my beliefs that there must be one out there. We gave up, came home, everyone feeling miserable: mission abondoned.

A few weeks later I arrived very early for one of my daugther's birthday parties. So I persuaded her to pop into Habitat with me. And that's when I saw it: The Perfect Bin. And the price was within the realms of acceptability. However, my dreams were shattered when I discovered there were none in stock. A couple of weeks pass, and one cold, but sunny, Thursday lunchtime I was driving near to Habitat again and decided to try my luck. Not only did they have my bin in stock, but it was 20% off. I was delighted.

And the first thing that came to mind: that Luck of the Irish email that I forwarded to everyone has come true!

Whether or not a circular email that creates good luck is a ridiculous concept or a fantastic opportunity, I am now a happy lady with my "perfect" bin.